The Nine Days of Mourning

July 12th, 2021

Sadness.

Grief.

Loss.

Hope.

Change.

Crying.

Relief

The cycle continues.

Hope.

Change.

Relief.

Grief.

Fear.

Fear of moving on, forgetting, remembering when you don't want too.

Being too busy and not busy enough.

Finding comfort in healthy things- but what about unhealthy things? The balance. The pull. The draw.

Never knowing if you are on the right track.

Can you complain about the pain of child rearing when you just feel so blessed to have those children.

And why does G-d make it so unbelievably challenging to raise kids?

What about our own mother's wounds - we didn't feel seen, heard, understood. We had all our physical needs met -so do we have a right to complain? To feel bare? To feel lost?

And then what happens when we lose that mother. The mother who you did feel unseen with? Why is the grief so bad? Why is the pain so vast, the kind you can never imagine or wish on your worst enemy?

I wonder- do some people really have easier lives or are they just better at hiding their pain?

We don't have to show our pain, our vulnerable underbelly - but should we?

The noise of silence is so painful. To sit and be in your own head. A head filled with doubt, fear, pain, confusion. Longing for answers.

The layers upon layers of grief. People see you and they think you are over your loss. It's been a few months hasn't it? Even a few years. Those people have never lost anyone or anything that truly matters to them.

The domino effect. The celebrations that will always feel somewhat empty. The Holidays that are always bitter sweet. The family gathers you look forward to but can't ignore the gaping whole of whose missing. You want to be grateful for what you have. You really do. But you are human after all.

Don't let other people tell you how you feel. How you grieve. Don't let people make choices for you - the only choices you get to choose. You have the privilege to choose, choose as you wish.

Remember, that when we make that choice, we make it based on the information G-d allows us to know and see. We regret only when we forget that. In that moment of choice, you had your reasons. You had your true self. Your truest self.

Right now, in the 9 days, I am holding onto my grief.

My loss. My memory is that this world is far from complete. It is bent and broken.

We have all been crushed this year. In Meron. In Surfside.

I want to make more space. For people. For their lives. Their stories. I want to make more space for myself. My pain. My experience.

I want to remember my values, my beliefs. Even when I am feeling my worst. Even when I have nothing. I am nothing. I have nothing to give. Nothing to say. I am present. I am alive. I have been chosen to live through it. To go through pain. To remember that pain is part of my life and will always be part of my life because I am human. I can be strong. And I am also allowed to be weak. To feel all my feelings and to hurt inside.